Category Archives: vulnerability

Recommitment to Love

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15.August.2014

 

To the man I witnessed on my walk, screaming at his dog and picking him up by his neck in anger after the dog had run ahead of him out the door…

 

It really bothered me when I witnessed you yell in such anger at your pet and then chase after him and pick him up by his neck.  As I took a walk yesterday with my friend, I was walking with a heavy heart.  I had just spent some quiet time with my cat Song who only has a short time left with my family.  She has an oral tumor.  I had just cleaned out the clear drainage from her eye that moistened her nose bridge & turned to God with a tear in my eye and prayed that Song would not suffer and that we would make the decisions that were best for her.  I had just knelt down to pet Song and felt barely able to stand up again, as my whole body felt shaky in allowing myself to feel the fear about what comes next.  I noticed I was barely breathing as I stood face to face with the frailty and fragility of life.

 

I tell you this not to make you sad.  I tell you this to urge you to celebrate.  Celebrate yourself, and celebrate your dog.  Celebrate your time together.  Celebrate even his misbehaviors, because they are signs of life.  When he runs excitedly out the door, forgetting that he’s supposed to wait for you, overcome by the excitement of a beautiful, sunny day, fresh air, and people passing by, call him back and run after him with love in your heart, and then hug him.  Hug him, and let him know you care.  Let him know your life is better, because he’s with you.  Let him know you’ll be with him until the end and will cradle his head as he takes his last breaths, remembering the times you played together and holding close to your heart that still frame of his furry face, reconnecting with that sweet feeling of walking in the door and knowing someone missed you and could not contain his excitement that you were home again.

 

I am not a judgmental person.  I do not wish to criticize your ability to parent your dog, and I do not intend to chastise you as a person.  I freely and willingly admit that I have been overwhelmed by life at many points, frustrated when others didn’t listen to me, tired of stuff going wrong again and again.  I have screamed, said things I didn’t mean, and have hurt people whom I care about.  I’ve been at my wit’s end.  I’ve made choices that have been rooted in fear and resentment.  I have approached tender hearts with violent words that raged and wounded.  I’ve been broken and breathless after life threw incredible twists my way.  And eventually, I returned to love.  Thankfully, I returned to love.

 

My letter here is an invitation and a reminder.  Please take some time today and look in the eyes of those you love – humans and pets.  Simply and quietly say, “I love you.”  Say anything else that’s on your heart.  Breathe together.  Enjoy the sensations as you stroke your lover’s skin or pet your best friend’s fur, and know this moment is a gift that will not always be available to you.  Vow to hug more often.  Slow down and make time for walks outside and playful exchanges.  Remember to laugh at silly things.  Appreciate.  Wag more and bark less.  Purr more and hiss less.  Forgive.  Allow for mistakes – on others’ part and on your part.  And if you are a person who prays, please offer up a prayer for my cat Song and for me and for every pet who is facing health challenges and approaches his or her final days.  Send some positive energy out to those pet parents who are taking their dogs for that final walk and loading their cats into a carrier to get that lethal injection because the suffering has grown too unbearable and there is no cure.  And I will think of you in a wave of compassion and bless you and your dog.  Thank you for reading this, and thank you for inspiring my reflection and my recommitment to love across the board.

 

Copyright © 2014 by Susan M. Featro, Voice Lifted.  All Rights Reserved.

Song

Beginner’s Mind

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“Beginner’s Mind” is a concept in Zen Buddhism that refers to having an open mind, a positive & enthusiastic attitude, and approaching an activity or subject free from preconceptions (as would a beginner who knows nothing about the topic.)  I find it to be a good practice to take this approach as often as possible, in all tasks.  Even if we have quite a lot of experience in a particular area, to approach a task as a beginner:  going in open to new possibilities and discoveries, not holding on to those mess-ups of the past, not expecting any particular outcome.  It can be quite refreshing…and can lead us to have fun, to learn new ways of doing things, to break out of familiar routines, to be creative, to challenge ourselves, and to fall in love again with activities we’ve done time & time again.

 

I recently decided to learn to play a new instrument.  As an undergraduate music education major, I was required to learn the basics on all of the instruments in the woodwinds, brass, percussion, and string families.  As part of my coursework, I had to be able to play 2 scales and an elementary level song on each instrument.  When I had taken the semester of strings, I particularly enjoyed the violin.  I even took a few lessons on violin over one summer as a college student.  Now, more than ten years later, I have decided that I’d like to study the violin again.  I’ve begun taking lessons with Simon Maurer, who is a spectacularly talented musician and who is an incredible teacher.  He is a founding member of the Gabriel Chamber Ensemble and is also the conductor of Sunday Sinfonia, based out of the Lancaster area.  Simon gave me the invitation to play with this group for the spring 2014 concert season.

 

Upon receiving this invitation, I was excited but nervous.  I was sounding pretty decent on “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” and was making progress on “Minuet in G,” but I had serious doubts about my ability to play any of the orchestra music for the second violin section…most importantly to not get in the way of the rest of the (more experienced) players in the orchestra in their process of creating a beautiful sound.  But I knew that I wanted to join in the music-making with Sunday Sinfonia.  It just sounded fun.  And I thought it would be a good challenge for me…musically and spiritually.

 

With my primary instruments being voice, piano, and organ, I have never played in a marching band or concert band.  I’ve performed as part of small ensembles, but that is a very different experience than being part of a large group led by a conductor.  I knew that playing with an orchestra would offer me a different kind of musical challenge, and I trusted that this challenge would strengthen my musicianship across the board.

 

I also welcomed the opportunity to be a beginner.  I know, for a fact, that I am the weakest player in the group.  That means that there is so much that I can learn from being around everyone else and attempting to play with them.  Last Sunday, I attended the first rehearsal for this group, and it was a learning experience, for sure.  I was out of my comfort zone.  By the time I figured out where my first few notes were and positioned the bow, the orchestra was already past that place…and then I had to try to figure out where in the score they were…and that wasn’t an easy task, as orchestra music doesn’t have words…and the first violins right next to me were playing different notes and different rhythms, and … !  Deep breaths.  And so much appreciation for this new experience.

 

Even when I failed, it was a delightful and glorious experience.  I went in knowing that I would not play a flawless anything.  And I was far from flawless;  clueless was more like it, at times.  I went in with the simple goal of fully having this experience:  being in the moment, taking it all in, and growing from it.  I succeeded in doing that!

 

In addition to the musical and spiritual benefits that this new adventure involves, I also am enjoying the process of getting to know the other members of the orchestra.  It was great to get to meet other musicians and talk during our snack & break time.  At this first rehearsal, I began talking to another violinist about my initial reaction to the rehearsal, and she found it refreshing that I admitted to being flustered and unable to play the majority of the notes in any of the songs.  That led us to talk about the common tendency among musicians (and people in general) to pretend to have it all together, and we also talked about the topic of performance anxiety.  Then I made a connection to vulnerability and fitting in versus belonging, mentioning one of my prime spiritual mentors Brene Brown.  My new friend was very interested in my thoughts on this, and she was even familiar with the work of Brene Brown.  That made me feel, even more, like I was indeed part of a community of fellow musicians and human beings, dedicated to growth.

 

Part of the practice of beginner’s mind is to release expectations.  In my case with playing the violin, that is pretty easy.  I don’t expect much of myself.  I’m so inexperienced that I don’t really know what to expect.  I’m just trying my best and having fun with the instrument.  With my primary instruments and with other activities at which I have a greater proficiency, I most certainly have expectations for myself, and sometimes those expectations stifle creativity, freeze me, and prevent me from fully enjoying the experience.  Returning to beginner’s mind, I remind myself to let go of those expectations and to simply be engaged in the task and to allow myself to be surprised by whatever directions things go in and whatever progress I make.

 

I hope to become more accomplished at playing the violin as I continue to take lessons and play as part of Sunday Sinfonia, but I intend to keep my beginner’s mind toward my playing of the violin as well as other activities, approaching each task with that openness and that willingness to start fresh, to explore, and to learn & grow.

~ Copyright © 2014 by Susan M. Featro, Voice Lifted.  All rights reserved.

Christmas Eve – Subject to Change

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I have served as the church musician at Trinity Evangelical Lutheran Church in Lansford for over 10 years now.  Our church has always had an 8:00 pm Christmas Eve service. Last night, snow squalls and black ice prevented us from having our traditional Christmas Eve church service. Some unexpected snow led to accidents…which led to road closures. My father and I attempted to get to the church, but we came to a point where the police directed us to turn around; a portion of Route 209 was closed. Our pastor also was unable to make it to church, as part of Route 443 was closed. While it was disappointing to not be together with our parish family celebrating Christ’s birth through prayer, Scripture, song, and communion, it was much better to play it safe and stay off of the slick roads.

 

There are those things in life over which we have no control. Most of us are quite good at planning. We organize, design, create, and put structure to our homes, our work, our days, our gatherings, our lives. And then…life happens. Often times, life has other plans. And often times, we don’t understand them. But I think that’s part of God’s plan…to remind us to let go & realize that we are not in control. Our job is to be our best selves and make the best choices with what we are given…just like Mary and Joseph did on that holy day in Bethlehem.

 

If Mary and Joseph were to choose a time and a place for the son of God to be born, I am certain they wouldn’t have named a tiny stable in Bethlehem on a cold winter’s night as the ideal conditions for Jesus’s birth. They were not prepared and didn’t want the blessed birth to turn out like that. But the circumstances were what they were…and things turned out okay…even better than okay. Mary and Joseph did their part and trusted and prayed. And that’s what we can do, too.

 

So often in life, we shape and sculpt our environment and have very neatly packaged visions of how we want everything to flow. Sometimes things flow as we have predicted and planned, but other times the weather, timing, other people, and so many other factors change things around, and we must go from there. But the good news is that on many occasions the outcome is better than we could have ever imagined.

 

Many times, the shift in plans leads us to enjoy it all more. We relax our shoulders as we let go of the rigid blueprint we had been holding. We laugh at how our serious and well-intended game plan was turned upside down. And we take joy in the connections we make with others as we bond over the unpredictable circumstances. Something about uncertainty brings us together, as we realize that none of us have it all together & we all can bring a lot to each other’s lives as we support each other in this unpredictable and sometimes crazy life journey. Besides, memories are made out of missed flights, unannounced visits, improvised recipes, detours, creative alternatives, unscheduled stops, and those minor mishaps that keep us on our toes. I’m convinced that God has a sense of humor.

 

A belated Christmas liturgy is still possible, and silent meditation and reflection has power. There are so many possibilities, but what matters is that the Christ child was born…not where or when or how he was born. And he lives in our hearts if we are open to His power, His plan, and keeping the faith, including all of the vulnerability and mystery that is inherent in faith.

 

Merry Christmas!

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Above is a photo of the Christmas tree at Trinity Evangelical Lutheran Church in Bowmanstown, where I played a later Christmas Eve service (after roads re-opened.)

Brave

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While pop music is definitely not what I prefer listening to, a friend recently introduced me to the song “Brave” by Sara Bareilles, and I must admit that I kind of like the song.  The melody and rhythms are pretty catchy, and the lyrics to this song are powerful.

 

The song begins by pointing to the power of words.  It then continues to encourage listeners to be brave by speaking out and not holding back on what we truly want to say.  In the music video, there are many scenes of people of all ages and backgrounds dancing freely in public places.

 

I believe that this message of allowing our authentic selves to be heard and seen is important for all of us.  It’s not just teenagers who shy away from being themselves in order to fit in.  I believe that it is a societal tragedy that the majority of people restrain themselves from free expression in speech and movement and action, because they have become better at listening to others than listening to themselves.

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When I teach young children, I see how freely they sing, dance, and tell ther stories.  I see how they don’t question how others are going to judge them before they assert themselves into the world.  As they get older, they hear those first words of feedback.  Praise by parents and teachers, correction by adults, or ridicule by peers then influence how they behave in the future.  There is now a combination of voices that guide them as they make choices and interact with others.

 

Sadly it is easy to lose touch with one’s own voice and to squelch one’s impulse to dance and play and live fully.  It takes a lot of courage to say what we want to say and to live our lives from the inside out.  I am lucky to belong to a wonderful tribe of friends who are committed to being brave and who support each other in this, even when it is most challenging.  We know each other and give each other a hard time if we know that one of us is shrinking and “going along with” rather than being brave and speaking and acting with integrity, passion, and conviction.

 

So often, the path of least resistance is to follow along the same path as others, to say what we think others want us to say, to do what we think others expect of us.  Instead, being brave is choosing to sing our own songs, dance our own dances, and tell our own stories.  Judy Garland urged, “Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else.”  In order to do that, we must be brave.

Falling on Purpose

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I tried stand-up paddleboarding for the first time on the Friday before school started. It was one of those things that I just wanted to try once, and I thought, “If I end up being able to stand, that would be cool,” but I didn’t really expect that I would get to standing.

 

My first time on the board was with Ruth from the L.L. Bean Center Valley Discovery School.  I went out on Lake Nockamixon as part of a group of 5.  After going over the basic terminology and the safety procedures, we practiced going from kneeling to standing when the boards were set out on dry land.  Then we took the boards to the water.  After we paddled out on our knees, our instructor invited us to shift from kneeling to standing when we were ready.  I watched some of the others in the class go to standing, and they did fine.  Their success was honestly a little distressing, because I really didn’t want to be the first in the group to fall into the water.  I was rationalizing that it wouldn’t be such a big deal if someone else fell in & then I did, too.  I just didn’t want to be the first one to lose my footing.  Everyone else was standing, so it was time to try this…I stood up, and it was a very strange feeling.  My legs felt shaky, but I got more comfortable as I went along.  I enjoyed this experience so much that I started looking into when I could go out again.  I checked if there was anywhere closer to home where I could go out paddleboarding.

 

Last Friday evening, I went to Lake Harmony.  I had my second lesson with Morgan from Pocono Paddle & Fitness.  At first, I was nervous;  I thought I made a bad choice to go out for a lesson on Labor Day weekend when the lake was exceptionally busy with boat traffic, including people on jet skis.  I ended up having a wonderful time again!  As Morgan and I paddled on our knees to a calmer cove, we chatted and got to know each other.  I was feeling comfortable and excited after reaching the cove and got right up to standing.  Then, I practiced going back to my kness and back to standing again and again…and even learned a different way of getting to standing – the “pop-up.”  I then remained standing for the rest of my time out on the lake.  We travelled around the lake and then went back to where we started.  I even navigated some decent-size waves from passing boats along the way.

 

When I did these two lessons, I asked both instructors if it would be possible for me to fall into the water “on purpose,” so that I could practice getting back on the board…just in case I ever fell off in the future.  Both instructors agreed that this was a great idea.  I believed that it would be much better to fall on purpose and to learn how to get back on the board when I was with an experienced instructor and while it was not an “emergency.”  If I had actually lost my balance and fallen off of the board, I would have possibly been upset with myself or scared, and those emotions would likely have impacted my ability to get back on the board.  Now, I know what to do if that ever happens, and I know that it’s not a big deal at all.  I got back on the board easily.  And the falling part was pretty fun, too!

 

Falling on purpose…just to prove to myself that I can handle any future spills I might take.  That gave me confidence.  I know that it’s not practical to do trial “falls” in every situation we might encounter in life, and I’m not advocating that we dress rehearse tragedy.  Yet, it’s healthy to recognize that we will sometimes stand tall and we will sometimes fall…and when we fall, we can get back up again.  Resilience allows us to live life fully – we can navigate both the ups and the downs with grace.  We can be there to support others and cheer them on, and we can allow others to support us and cheer us on.  This time, I fell on purpose.  I know I will fall again, and it will not always be “on purpose,” but I know that I will make it back up to standing, and I will keep growing and living fully and welcoming new experiences and new challenges into my life.

Stand-Up Paddleboarding at Lake Harmony

Copyright © 2013 by Susan M. Featro, Voice Lifted

Stepping Out of Our Comfort Zones

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I have mentioned InterPlay before in my blogging.  I am grateful for the opportunity I have every week to participate in an InterPlay class at Wellspring Holistic Center in Stroudsburg, PA.  InterPlay is an active, creative way of tapping into the wisdom of the body through improvised movement, storytelling, and dance.  The group of people who come together to participate in our InterPlay classes is truly a family – a perfectly imperfect circle of men and women who are committed to supporting each other in personal growth through embracing play and vulnerability.

 

Our topic of exploration at class for the past two weeks has been stepping out of our comfort zone.  We have participated in powerful and moving explorations through movement, through story, and through song;  these have been full of tears and laughter and heartfelt sharing that was spontaneous and creative and rich in wisdom and beauty.

 

One thing I know for sure is that it’s not easy to step outside of one’s comfort zone.  I struggle with doing this, fearing that I will not be a success, fearing judgment and ridicule by others, and fearing rejection and abandonment.  Those are major risks!  Yet, I know that if I don’t step out of my comfort zone, I will miss out on many experiences that could be very rewarding and truly awesome…and I could end up “in a rut” if I don’t take those risks.  I know that…but/and I hesitate to step out of my comfort zone.  I have great desire and strong intentions…yet I often find myself in the position of…not quite…not ready yet.  And then I get very frustrated with myself.

 

A step outside of one’s comfort zone is a step into a new territory where learning and growth can occur.  If we take too wide of a step, it can be a shock to our system, and we might even prevent ourselves from taking future risks if we are consumed by panic as we experience the completely unfamiliar, but a reasonably incremental step out of our comfort zones is good for our bodyspirits.

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So the last two InterPlay classes were an important time for me to explore and process all of this, and I continue to work and play with it.  There are many ways, big and small, that I can step out of my comfort zone that would make a difference in the world…for others and for myself.  If I attend a meeting and don’t speak up, I have short-changed the group from my ideas and input…and I also leave with the feeling that I haven’t really given my all.  I don’t want to do that again.

 

That’s just one example.  There are many places in my life where I will focus on stepping out of my comfort zone as I move forward and take the wisdom from these InterPlay explorations with me.  Now it’s your turn:  What is out of your comfort zone?  What things do you hold back from doing?  Would you like to step out of your comfort zone?  How do you plan to go about this?  Please share in the comments below!

 

Life Lessons

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tumor-pituitary

 

A recent health scare has taught me some very important life lessons.  After having routine lab work done in April, I got the report that one of my hormone levels – Prolactin – was elevated.  My doctor recommended that I see an endocrinologist, but since I couldn’t get an appointment for several months with an endocrinologist, I asked the doctor if I should have a contrast MRI of the brain/pituitary gland done, just to make sure that there were no abnormalities that could be causing the elevated Prolactin level.  After the MRI, I got a phone call…not from one of the doctor’s office secretaries, but from the doctor herself:  the MRI showed a pituitary tumor.

 

After this diagnosis, I did even more research (on reputable medical websites) on elevated Prolactin levels and pituitary tumors.  The more research I did, the more I learned and understood about this condition…and the more scared I got.  I read about medications that had very serious side effects and saw statistics showing that almost everyone who took these medications experienced these side effects.  I read on multiple websites that the most common course of action was surgery.  I became horrified when I saw that the surgery is typically done transsphenoidally (going through the nose and the sphenoid bone.)  Since the nasal cavity is a resonance chamber for the singing voice, I felt that this was the worst possible thing that could happen to me;  I would have much preferred that they just cut open my head.  In  the meantime, I saw an endocrinologist and an ophthalmologist.  The reason I was referred to an ophthalmologist is that sometimes these tumors can press on the optic nerve at the optic chiasm affecting peripheral vision, but this isn’t the case for me.

 

Because of my concerns with my singing voice, I went to see a team of doctors at Johns Hopkins Pituitary Center in Baltimore, Maryland.  They were able to get me in for an appointment last Thursday, and that appointment brought me good news.  The doctors are recommending that this tumor be monitored through serial MRIs.  I will have repeat blood work in 6 months and a repeat contrast MRI after that.  Then, they will see if the tumor has grown over time, stayed the same size, or has shrunk.  At this time, they do not feel that medication or surgery is necessary…since I have not been experiencing any symptoms.

 

This was the best possible outcome I could have hoped for.  While I will need to follow up and monitor this condition, I am not looking at surgery or medication right now…and possibly will never need to do anything to treat it.

 

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I do want to take away from this the life lessons that are mine to learn.  A health scare of any kind is always a reminder to be thankful for one’s good health.  This also has reminded me that everyone has challenging times and things to deal with that are very scary, sad, and painful…so I hold that in my heart as I am interacting with people, whether it is a student of mine, a parent of a student, my friends, a cashier at a business, someone whom I meet while waiting in line at the post office, anyone…  I am reminded of the quote that was attributed to Plato, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

 

I know that another lesson for me in this is to let go and release my grip on “how things should be.”  We can sometimes get so fixated on there being only one possible outcome…one possible way for things to go that would be “the right way.”  But that is not the case…and so often, there is something better in store for us.  I knew, as I was going through this, that I would have to get to a place in which I was going to accept and be okay with whatever the outcome was.  If I was going to need surgery, then I’d need to believe that this was happening because maybe my body needed a time to slow down and step away from it all, and this would be a time to take good care of myself.   If surgery or medication would affect my singing voice, I’d have to accept that there was some other way that I was to share of myself with others and contribute to the world.  And this was a reminder that I am not entitled to anything & that nothing is a guarantee…I’m not entitled to one more day with the voice I have;  I’m not guaranteed one more day on the planet.  I can hope for more days to lift my voice in song and more time to do the things I love, but none of it is guaranteed.  This has reminded me to see it all as a gift and has allowed me to be so grateful and so amazed by the tremendous gifts I’ve been given and continue to get.

 

It took me a while to process all of this & feel my feelings & come to peace.  I did get to that place, and I think that was a major reason that the Universe orchestrated this challenge for me.  Even though it wasn’t in a pleasant form, it was something that I had to experience in order to grow.  There are so many other lessons to take away from it all.  I also know this was an opportunity to practice advocating for myself and my health and remembering that I know my body best.  Finally, this experience showed me that there are so many people who care about me and that I have wonderful friends who are willing to listen and to share of their experiences with me in a beautiful and authentic way.  If I never had this experience, I wouldn’t have had these same conversations…wouldn’t have become so vulnerable in my sharing and wouldn’t have heard the supportive words from friends & experienced such wonderful connections.

 

So I do believe this happened for a reason, and I’m grateful for the life lessons I’ve learned and am still learning from it.  Of course, the future with this tumor is uncertain. At any time in the future, I could notice symptoms.  I could have my repeat blood work and repeat MRI and get a bad report.  But on the other hand, I could end up having this for the rest of my life and have no problems at all from it…it very well could even shrink.  And that is life: never knowing what is coming next, so therefore, being in the present moment and engaging wholeheartedly with the life that is right in front of you.

 

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Begin – Trust

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Begin…where you are.

Begin…in this moment.

Begin…with the breath.

Begin.

 

Walk…with intention.

Walk…with your head held high.

Walk…in the direction your heart is gesturing.

Walk.

 

Stop…to notice all that is around you.

Stop…to notice what you’re feeling.

Stop…and rest.

Stop.

 

Run…with enthusiasm and energy.

Run…with the abandon and playfulness you knew as a child.

Run…to what is calling you.

Run.

 

Lead…in a way that honors yourself and those around you.

Lead…with creativity.

Lead…because you have something to say.

Lead.

 

Follow…with attention and respect.

Follow…to learn something new.

Follow…and delight in where the path takes you.

Follow.

 

Trust…that you are enough.

Trust…that you will be surprised by much.

Trust…that everything happens for a reason.

Trust.

Lake Killarney

“Begin – Trust,” a poem by Susan M. Featro, © 2013 Voice Lifted

 

An inspiration for this poem was my practice of InterPlay.

Finding Ourselves, Being Ourselves

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This past weekend, a friend introduced me to an episode of My Little Pony.  I am not a regular viewer of the My Little Pony series, but I’d seen a few episodes previously with this friend, and I must say that I’ve been impressed:  The show is full of great life lessons, and it presents these in a way that is entertaining and that does not “talk down” to children.

 

In order to understand what I’ll be saying about this episode, I need to give you just a little background information.  Each of the pony characters has a picture on his/her flank that is called a “cutie mark.”  It is a symbol of what makes that pony special.  The pony who is an apple farmer has a cutie mark that portrays apples;  the pony who controls the weather has a cloud & a rainbow on her flank, etc.  Well, in this particular episode, a spell has been cast that has resulted in all of the ponies’ cutie marks being switched.  Ponyville is not running very well, with the ponies not doing those things at which they excel.

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This episode made me think about the process we must go through in order to find our identities and then to live as our authentic selves.  The teenage years constitute a major period during which we begin to explore who we are, try on different identities, and determine what lights us up.  This process continues, and it is normal for our identities to shift as we learn new things and are introduced to different people and different experiences.  When we are middle-aged, most of us are refining our identities to some extent, as we begin to question some choices we made when we were younger, and we finally have the confidence to show our real face to the world, even if we think that others might be displeased.

 

One thing that makes the process challenging is the sheer volume of “input” we get – solicited and unsolicited.  In growing up, we are shaped by our family, our friends, and our teachers.  These people matter to us, and we know they mean well, so we notice the examples they are setting, and we listen to their advice.  This is good…but it can’t be at the expense of listening to the voice within.  Many people choose to “people please” and go along with what they interpret as the expectations that the world has for them.  They disconnect from their core and fall into the roles that have been suggested to them.  An additional source of “input” is the media.  The messages about how to look and behave in the world are no longer limited to billboards and magazine advertisements.   Things pop up on our computer screens;  iPhone applications sport advertisements.  All scream and compete for our attention…”This product, this decision, this vacation is going to change your life for the better.”

 

The process of finding and living out our identities is not easy.  Our identities are multi-faceted:  It’s not only what career we will have but where we will live, whether we choose to partner with someone in an intimate relationship, how we spend our time, what we consume and what we create, how we take care of ourselves, what kinds of friendships we have, what we choose to believe, how we present ourselves to the world.   This E. E. Cummings quote acknowledges the magnitude of the process, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”  Once we are able to quiet the external voices and hear the voice inside that is our true self, we then face another challenge:  we have to take action to be that person.  There are risks.  We risk falling flat on our face as we dive into a new venture.  We risk being rejected by those whom we love most.

 

Every day, we make choices that align or don’t align with who we are at our core.  Sometimes, these are major life-changing decisions that we are making;  sometimes, these are little choices that collectively add up.  As part of my spiritual path, I am questioning each of the decisions I’m making and reflecting on whether they align with who I am at my core.  In some instances, I have time to process this before acting and making a decision, and at other times, I’m looking back and evaluating the choices I’ve made.

 

I’ve struggled with many of these decisions, and I have felt the fear that preceded some of those big jumps and some of the small ones that led me further and further down a certain path.  I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about what others think of my choices.  And I admit that I have sometimes abandoned myself and done what I thought would make others happy.  Yet, I’m never stuck in one place.  Each day, I have the opportunity to make new decisions that are right for me.  I feel very vulnerable when making some of these choices, but I know the importance of establishing my identity and living my life intentionally.

 

Brene Brown says, “Without question, putting ourselves out there means there’s a far greater risk of getting criticized or feeling hurt.  But when we step back and examine our lives, we will find nothing is as uncomfortable or dangerous as believing we’re standing on the outside of our lives looking in and wondering what it would be like if we had the courage to show up and let ourselves be seen.”  Yes, it will feel like a huge risk, but I would rather put myself out there and follow my heart than stand on the outside of my life, wondering about what could have been.  I lift my voice.  I lift my heart.  I lift my dreams…and trust in them.

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy

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Hurricane Sandy took us for a wild ride last week.  Living in east-central Pennsylvania, I would not have expected to ever experience the wrath of such a hurricane.  There are still people within an hour of me waiting for their electricity to be restored…6 days later.  The amount of devastation in New York and New Jersey is unbelievable.

 

I have found myself unsettled since Sandy blew through.  Even though my power was restored in 24 hours and damage to my home and my parents’ property was minimal, I’ve just been shaken by it all and almost can’t bear to see the videoclips and photos and to hear the stories that are being shared on the tv news and on the internet.

 

Yesterday, I found out about a former student of mine who is organizing a project to help those in Rockaway, NY who have lost everything in this storm.  This student, now in high school, was an active member of the Pleasant Valley Intermediate School Student Council when I advised and led this group in my tenure as a teacher in Pleasant Valley.  Nina is collecting canned goods, clothing, blankets, batteries, coats, toys, and more — to help those who need help the most.  I spent time last night getting things together to donate.  As my parents have recently moved to a new house, we’ve been doing a lot of cleaning around here over the past several months, and this is a great opportunity for us to let go of things we no longer need and to pass them on to people who could really benefit from them.  I am inspired by Nina’s continued commitment to leadership and helping the community, and I am so happy to see her initiating this project.  She is a high school student who excels academically, a friendly and warm young woman who brings joy to many, and a person who gives back and helps her school and community.  She had all of these qualities as a seventh grader in my Student Council, and she is becoming more involved and helping more and more people as she grows and works hard at all that she does.  I am so proud of Nina, and I feel better that I am helping in a small way to alleviate some of the suffering of these people afflicted by Hurricane Sandy. If anyone would also like to contribute to Nina’s project, please get in touch with me, and I will pass on Nina’s contact information to you.  She is welcoming additional donations, and I support her project and want it to be a great success.

 

There are many other ways to help.  My friend Stan suggested on his most recent blog post donating through Music for Relief.  The Tamaqua Salvation Army did a fantastic job of helping people in Schuylkill and Carbon County in so many ways over the past week.  Andy Leibenguth and others delivered hot meals to residents without power.  WNEP News did a feature on their great service.

 

While this storm has shaken so many of us, it has also brought people together.  I am moved by the acts of kindness and compassion that continue to make life better and restore hope for those who were affected by this storm.