Category Archives: life

Not Seeing…is Believing

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During my recent trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico, I went on an evening/night excursion to kayak at the bioluminescent bay in Farjado.  Before going on the trip, I read about this area, and I found it fascinating.  A high concentration of microscopic organisms called dinoflagellates thrive here.  When they are agitated, they glow in the dark, and anything that comes in contact with them also glows.  In order to preserve this fragile ecosystem, swimming is no longer allowed in this bay, but if a person did swim, it would appear that the person was glowing.

 

I found it worth going on this trip in order to experience the bioluminescence first hand.  Unfortunately, it does not come out well on photographs, but I can assure you that the water really does light up and glow when the kayak paddle comes in contact with it, when you scoop your hand into the water, and whenever a fish goes by.  Sometimes the advertisements for a tourist attraction are much more exciting than the actual place, but in this case, the experience really does live up to the claims that they make.

 

This was the first time that I had ever been out in a two-person kayak.  It was also the first time that I ever kayaked at night.  One of my favorite parts of the trip was going through the narrow channel that was completely tree-covered.  It was pitch black;  it was only possible to see the tiny little glow ring on the kayak that was in front of you.  As interesting as it would have been to see this new area and take in the natural beauty of this tropical environment, it was thrilling and surreal to know that I was in the middle of a channel off of the Farjado Bay in the tropical rain forest biome…but to not be able to see any of it.  I knew that I was traveling through the mangrove forest into the lagoon, surrounded by tropical foliage, and even knew that mosquitos were likely flying all around me…but could not actually see anything.  Yet, I felt it all in my body, and it was powerful and peaceful.  My inability to see it with my eyes but my general knowledge of what was surrounding me in this environment allowed me to experience this on a different level.  It reminded me of faith – not seeing, but believing.  In other blog posts, I’ve written about letting go of control, accepting that we don’t have all the answers…and trusting.  This late night kayak excursion allowed me to experience the comfort that comes when I let go of knowing.

kayaks in Farjado

kayaks ready to go out on the water in Farjado

Life Lessons

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tumor-pituitary

 

A recent health scare has taught me some very important life lessons.  After having routine lab work done in April, I got the report that one of my hormone levels – Prolactin – was elevated.  My doctor recommended that I see an endocrinologist, but since I couldn’t get an appointment for several months with an endocrinologist, I asked the doctor if I should have a contrast MRI of the brain/pituitary gland done, just to make sure that there were no abnormalities that could be causing the elevated Prolactin level.  After the MRI, I got a phone call…not from one of the doctor’s office secretaries, but from the doctor herself:  the MRI showed a pituitary tumor.

 

After this diagnosis, I did even more research (on reputable medical websites) on elevated Prolactin levels and pituitary tumors.  The more research I did, the more I learned and understood about this condition…and the more scared I got.  I read about medications that had very serious side effects and saw statistics showing that almost everyone who took these medications experienced these side effects.  I read on multiple websites that the most common course of action was surgery.  I became horrified when I saw that the surgery is typically done transsphenoidally (going through the nose and the sphenoid bone.)  Since the nasal cavity is a resonance chamber for the singing voice, I felt that this was the worst possible thing that could happen to me;  I would have much preferred that they just cut open my head.  In  the meantime, I saw an endocrinologist and an ophthalmologist.  The reason I was referred to an ophthalmologist is that sometimes these tumors can press on the optic nerve at the optic chiasm affecting peripheral vision, but this isn’t the case for me.

 

Because of my concerns with my singing voice, I went to see a team of doctors at Johns Hopkins Pituitary Center in Baltimore, Maryland.  They were able to get me in for an appointment last Thursday, and that appointment brought me good news.  The doctors are recommending that this tumor be monitored through serial MRIs.  I will have repeat blood work in 6 months and a repeat contrast MRI after that.  Then, they will see if the tumor has grown over time, stayed the same size, or has shrunk.  At this time, they do not feel that medication or surgery is necessary…since I have not been experiencing any symptoms.

 

This was the best possible outcome I could have hoped for.  While I will need to follow up and monitor this condition, I am not looking at surgery or medication right now…and possibly will never need to do anything to treat it.

 

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I do want to take away from this the life lessons that are mine to learn.  A health scare of any kind is always a reminder to be thankful for one’s good health.  This also has reminded me that everyone has challenging times and things to deal with that are very scary, sad, and painful…so I hold that in my heart as I am interacting with people, whether it is a student of mine, a parent of a student, my friends, a cashier at a business, someone whom I meet while waiting in line at the post office, anyone…  I am reminded of the quote that was attributed to Plato, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

 

I know that another lesson for me in this is to let go and release my grip on “how things should be.”  We can sometimes get so fixated on there being only one possible outcome…one possible way for things to go that would be “the right way.”  But that is not the case…and so often, there is something better in store for us.  I knew, as I was going through this, that I would have to get to a place in which I was going to accept and be okay with whatever the outcome was.  If I was going to need surgery, then I’d need to believe that this was happening because maybe my body needed a time to slow down and step away from it all, and this would be a time to take good care of myself.   If surgery or medication would affect my singing voice, I’d have to accept that there was some other way that I was to share of myself with others and contribute to the world.  And this was a reminder that I am not entitled to anything & that nothing is a guarantee…I’m not entitled to one more day with the voice I have;  I’m not guaranteed one more day on the planet.  I can hope for more days to lift my voice in song and more time to do the things I love, but none of it is guaranteed.  This has reminded me to see it all as a gift and has allowed me to be so grateful and so amazed by the tremendous gifts I’ve been given and continue to get.

 

It took me a while to process all of this & feel my feelings & come to peace.  I did get to that place, and I think that was a major reason that the Universe orchestrated this challenge for me.  Even though it wasn’t in a pleasant form, it was something that I had to experience in order to grow.  There are so many other lessons to take away from it all.  I also know this was an opportunity to practice advocating for myself and my health and remembering that I know my body best.  Finally, this experience showed me that there are so many people who care about me and that I have wonderful friends who are willing to listen and to share of their experiences with me in a beautiful and authentic way.  If I never had this experience, I wouldn’t have had these same conversations…wouldn’t have become so vulnerable in my sharing and wouldn’t have heard the supportive words from friends & experienced such wonderful connections.

 

So I do believe this happened for a reason, and I’m grateful for the life lessons I’ve learned and am still learning from it.  Of course, the future with this tumor is uncertain. At any time in the future, I could notice symptoms.  I could have my repeat blood work and repeat MRI and get a bad report.  But on the other hand, I could end up having this for the rest of my life and have no problems at all from it…it very well could even shrink.  And that is life: never knowing what is coming next, so therefore, being in the present moment and engaging wholeheartedly with the life that is right in front of you.

 

fall apart quote picture

Begin – Trust

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Begin…where you are.

Begin…in this moment.

Begin…with the breath.

Begin.

 

Walk…with intention.

Walk…with your head held high.

Walk…in the direction your heart is gesturing.

Walk.

 

Stop…to notice all that is around you.

Stop…to notice what you’re feeling.

Stop…and rest.

Stop.

 

Run…with enthusiasm and energy.

Run…with the abandon and playfulness you knew as a child.

Run…to what is calling you.

Run.

 

Lead…in a way that honors yourself and those around you.

Lead…with creativity.

Lead…because you have something to say.

Lead.

 

Follow…with attention and respect.

Follow…to learn something new.

Follow…and delight in where the path takes you.

Follow.

 

Trust…that you are enough.

Trust…that you will be surprised by much.

Trust…that everything happens for a reason.

Trust.

Lake Killarney

“Begin – Trust,” a poem by Susan M. Featro, © 2013 Voice Lifted

 

An inspiration for this poem was my practice of InterPlay.

Hearing the Note before Singing it

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In my teaching of private voice lessons, I usually focus on a particular concept at each lesson:  introducing that topic to the singer, then working with it & playing with it in vocalises/exercises, and then applying it to songs.  An important technique for voice students to practice is hearing a note before singing it.

 

While it is very helpful for pianists, clarinetists, and other instrumentalists to hear a note before playing it, it is still possible to correctly play a note on the piano or the clarinet even if you have no idea what it will sound like before you actually play it.  Since our voice works in partnership with our ears in order to produce sounds, we need to hear a note “in our minds” first, and then we can sing it.  If we don’t accurately perceive that pitch, we won’t accurately produce the pitch.  Singers have to rely on their knowledge of music theory, their ear training skills, and the notes played by any accompanying instruments (piano, organ, guitar) in order to find the target pitch and internalize it.

 

In asking my students to really listen to the note before opening their mouth and making a sound, it sometimes can feel like things are going in slow motion.  They’re not used to slowing down so much and really keying in to what they are hearing and what they are intending to create.

 

This practice, as so many concepts in voice study, transfers beautifully to “real life.”  In life, we also will create more tuneful music if we notice and really take in what is around us and then decide what we are aiming to do & visualize what that will look like and sound like.  It is a practice.  We sometimes miss our target and end up not living in alignment with our beliefs if we rush the process, neglecting to fully listen and then act with intention.

 

I invite you to join me in this practice, striving to really listen to all that is around us and then hearing our notes and singing them out with intention and passion.

Finding Ourselves, Being Ourselves

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This past weekend, a friend introduced me to an episode of My Little Pony.  I am not a regular viewer of the My Little Pony series, but I’d seen a few episodes previously with this friend, and I must say that I’ve been impressed:  The show is full of great life lessons, and it presents these in a way that is entertaining and that does not “talk down” to children.

 

In order to understand what I’ll be saying about this episode, I need to give you just a little background information.  Each of the pony characters has a picture on his/her flank that is called a “cutie mark.”  It is a symbol of what makes that pony special.  The pony who is an apple farmer has a cutie mark that portrays apples;  the pony who controls the weather has a cloud & a rainbow on her flank, etc.  Well, in this particular episode, a spell has been cast that has resulted in all of the ponies’ cutie marks being switched.  Ponyville is not running very well, with the ponies not doing those things at which they excel.

cutie_mark

This episode made me think about the process we must go through in order to find our identities and then to live as our authentic selves.  The teenage years constitute a major period during which we begin to explore who we are, try on different identities, and determine what lights us up.  This process continues, and it is normal for our identities to shift as we learn new things and are introduced to different people and different experiences.  When we are middle-aged, most of us are refining our identities to some extent, as we begin to question some choices we made when we were younger, and we finally have the confidence to show our real face to the world, even if we think that others might be displeased.

 

One thing that makes the process challenging is the sheer volume of “input” we get – solicited and unsolicited.  In growing up, we are shaped by our family, our friends, and our teachers.  These people matter to us, and we know they mean well, so we notice the examples they are setting, and we listen to their advice.  This is good…but it can’t be at the expense of listening to the voice within.  Many people choose to “people please” and go along with what they interpret as the expectations that the world has for them.  They disconnect from their core and fall into the roles that have been suggested to them.  An additional source of “input” is the media.  The messages about how to look and behave in the world are no longer limited to billboards and magazine advertisements.   Things pop up on our computer screens;  iPhone applications sport advertisements.  All scream and compete for our attention…”This product, this decision, this vacation is going to change your life for the better.”

 

The process of finding and living out our identities is not easy.  Our identities are multi-faceted:  It’s not only what career we will have but where we will live, whether we choose to partner with someone in an intimate relationship, how we spend our time, what we consume and what we create, how we take care of ourselves, what kinds of friendships we have, what we choose to believe, how we present ourselves to the world.   This E. E. Cummings quote acknowledges the magnitude of the process, “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”  Once we are able to quiet the external voices and hear the voice inside that is our true self, we then face another challenge:  we have to take action to be that person.  There are risks.  We risk falling flat on our face as we dive into a new venture.  We risk being rejected by those whom we love most.

 

Every day, we make choices that align or don’t align with who we are at our core.  Sometimes, these are major life-changing decisions that we are making;  sometimes, these are little choices that collectively add up.  As part of my spiritual path, I am questioning each of the decisions I’m making and reflecting on whether they align with who I am at my core.  In some instances, I have time to process this before acting and making a decision, and at other times, I’m looking back and evaluating the choices I’ve made.

 

I’ve struggled with many of these decisions, and I have felt the fear that preceded some of those big jumps and some of the small ones that led me further and further down a certain path.  I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about what others think of my choices.  And I admit that I have sometimes abandoned myself and done what I thought would make others happy.  Yet, I’m never stuck in one place.  Each day, I have the opportunity to make new decisions that are right for me.  I feel very vulnerable when making some of these choices, but I know the importance of establishing my identity and living my life intentionally.

 

Brene Brown says, “Without question, putting ourselves out there means there’s a far greater risk of getting criticized or feeling hurt.  But when we step back and examine our lives, we will find nothing is as uncomfortable or dangerous as believing we’re standing on the outside of our lives looking in and wondering what it would be like if we had the courage to show up and let ourselves be seen.”  Yes, it will feel like a huge risk, but I would rather put myself out there and follow my heart than stand on the outside of my life, wondering about what could have been.  I lift my voice.  I lift my heart.  I lift my dreams…and trust in them.

Authenticity of Emotions

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This blog post is inspired by a recent blog post by Dr. Alice Chan: Be Real, Not Positive.    Dr. Alice Chan and I connected through Twitter, and I have found her to be an authentic and inspiring voice who is passionate about the work she does as an author, a speaker, and a coach.  Dr. Chan’s words in her most recent blog post resonated with me, as I read and agreed with the thoughts she shared regarding the treasures in negative emotions and how we might allow them to “have their air time” as any and all other emotions.

 

I believe that all emotions are valid and welcome, if they are honest.  I think of Rumi’s poem “The Guest House” when I reflect on this.  (This is a favorite poem of mine.  I encourage you to read it and take in the message if you are not familiar with this piece.)

 

In my blog writing, I typically focus on my experiences as a creative artist.  As I relate Dr. Chan’s blog post to my art, I know that, as a musician, it is important to bring my real self to the stage and to the practice room every time.  I need to stand in honesty and in vulnerability before my audience and in the presence of fellow musicians.  I believe that acknowledging one’s humanity evokes beautiful music.

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When we appear as our whole selves – not denying those pieces that we judge as “ugly” or “messy,” we allow for a sincere connection between those offering the music and those receiving the music.  It takes courage to do this.  It might seem easier to slip into Dressing Room A to find a mask to put on & then go out and pick up our instrument and exude an air of confidence.  We might reach for a script that includes the lines, “I have it all together.”  But those performances, while they might be technically flawless…don’t move us.  And making music that moves others is what it’s all about – that vulnerable sharing of ourselves with others through our art.

 

As a choral conductor, I could appear before a group of singers at an evening rehearsal, plaster a smile on my face, and say in a peppy, perky voice, “It’s so great to be here!  We’re going to have so much fun singing.  Let’s hear your pretty voices starting on page 1 of the score,”  …or I could say…  “I’ve had a tough day, but it’s great to be with you to make music.  Let’s begin.”  Which conductor would you connect with?  Which conductor would you want to sing for?  I believe that people are craving authenticity.  I find it refreshing to be in the presence of someone who’s not afraid to be himself/herself.

 

Dr. Alice Chan provides steps to guide us in the journey toward authenticity of emotions:  acknowledging our feelings, allowing our emotions to be felt fully, learning from our negative experiences, and releasing our traumas and pain.  I believe that these steps allow for a person to progress through a healthy emotional cycle.  It’s when we deny our “shadow” that it becomes bigger than life and eats away at us.  My study of Debbie Ford’s transformational work has affirmed my intentions to invite myself and those who surround me to fully allow and embrace those darker shadow emotions.

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While it might, at first, make us uncomfortable to witness others in their pain…it becomes easier and more natural.  We stop judging emotions as “good” and as “bad” and come to realize that we all experience highs and lows and in-betweens.  I desire to walk with my family and friends and fellow human beings through all of these.  I want to see the real you, and I want the real me to be witnessed.

 

I believe that whatever degree to which we allow ourselves to experience these difficult and painful emotions…to that same degree, we allow ourselves to feel joy.  If we resist feeling the “negative emotions” to their full extent, we also put a limit on our joy.  I want to experience the full spectrum of emotions, and I want to have the capacity to express all of these emotions in my musical performances and in my daily interactions with others.  I honor you and all you are feeling in this moment.  I invite your reflections and comments.

Snow Day

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Yesterday, we had a snow day from school.  With snow, sleet, and freezing rain coming down throughout the morning and early afternoon, school was cancelled.

 

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Snow days are a rare treat.  While it’s always nice to have a scheduled day off, those unexpected days off are a refreshing break from routine.  Whenever I have a scheduled day off, I almost always plan something – make my doctor’s appointments, plan a little trip, get set up to do a project, make plans to have lunch and go out shopping with friends or with my mom, or reserve the day for catching up on grading for the university courses I’m teaching.  But when those snow days come up unexpectedly, there are no plans that have been made, and it’s not safe to go out and travel the roads anyway.

 

On a snow day, I can enjoy leisure reading, a bubble bath, or time on Facebook with no guilt whatsoever.  I can enjoy an extra long meditation session or bake something tasty and sweet. I can work ahead on things I know I have coming up.  I can play some new songs on the piano – just for fun, not in preparation for any upcoming performance.  There are no expectations;  there’s no nagging voice in the back of my head, listing all the things I “should” be doing.  I’ve been given permission to be totally in the moment and to ask myself what I feel like doing.  That really feels great.

 

Do you have memories of spending “snow days” in fun ways as a child…or as an adult?  How often do you allow yourself to have those days in which you have no agenda…no expectations for what should be accomplished by the day’s end?  I enjoyed yesterday’s snow day very much, and I look forward to the next snow day.  I now want to play with the idea of allowing myself to have that same experience more often…even when there is no inclement weather in the forecast.

Self Care and Self Love

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This past week, I was hit by the flu.  I picked it up somewhere, and my immune system was weakened enough that I ended up noticing a sore throat as my first symptom, and then things went on from there.

 

While there’s never a good time to be sick, I was upset that this struck during “mid-term exam time” at school…but I was thankful that it didn’t interfere with any musical performances I had scheduled.  Being sick gave me the opportunity this week to really practice self care and self love in a way that I hadn’t before, so that is the blessing that came out of this.

 

Many spiritual teachers remind us that everything we experience can be seen as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and to learn about life.  This was a growth experience for me, because I went about being sick differently than  I had in the past.

 

Before, I had never been a person to slow down.  I had always tried my best to keep going – not wanting to miss time from school/work, not wanting to cancel lessons I was teaching or plans I had committed to, not wanting to take a day off from working out.

 

This time, the flu left me with no energy, and the fact that I couldn’t get much sleep because of the cough left me even more weary.  I decided to listen to my body and take care of myself by resting…a lot.  I used sick time I had available at work;  I cancelled students’ lessons;  I skipped my morning workouts;  I didn’t even go to InterPlay – and participating in that active, creative improvisation-based class that centers around movement, storytelling, and song is something I truly love to do.  Instead, I spent a lot of time in bed; I took hot baths; I drank countless cups of tea.  I took it easy.

 

And it worked.  I am now feeling better and slowly reentering the routine – but with a focus on self care and self love.  I’m taking it slowly and remembering that my body needs to be treated well in order to perform well in the world.

 

I sure hope that you do not have this terrible flu.  It really was not fun.  But if you do, or if you’re feeling that your health is compromised in any way, I encourage you to follow my example and treat yourself well.  This was new to me, and I now am grateful for this experience and the lesson I learned from it.  In the beginning, it was almost like I needed to be given permission to slow down and take care of myself.  So I give you now permission to treat yourself with care and love.  It will leave you feeling healthier and more alive and will lead to you to be better able to go out into the world and do all that you do.  And even if you are feeling at your peak, I still encourage you to practice self care and self love.  Please feel free to share in the comments any ways that you practice self care and self love.

self love

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy

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Hurricane Sandy took us for a wild ride last week.  Living in east-central Pennsylvania, I would not have expected to ever experience the wrath of such a hurricane.  There are still people within an hour of me waiting for their electricity to be restored…6 days later.  The amount of devastation in New York and New Jersey is unbelievable.

 

I have found myself unsettled since Sandy blew through.  Even though my power was restored in 24 hours and damage to my home and my parents’ property was minimal, I’ve just been shaken by it all and almost can’t bear to see the videoclips and photos and to hear the stories that are being shared on the tv news and on the internet.

 

Yesterday, I found out about a former student of mine who is organizing a project to help those in Rockaway, NY who have lost everything in this storm.  This student, now in high school, was an active member of the Pleasant Valley Intermediate School Student Council when I advised and led this group in my tenure as a teacher in Pleasant Valley.  Nina is collecting canned goods, clothing, blankets, batteries, coats, toys, and more — to help those who need help the most.  I spent time last night getting things together to donate.  As my parents have recently moved to a new house, we’ve been doing a lot of cleaning around here over the past several months, and this is a great opportunity for us to let go of things we no longer need and to pass them on to people who could really benefit from them.  I am inspired by Nina’s continued commitment to leadership and helping the community, and I am so happy to see her initiating this project.  She is a high school student who excels academically, a friendly and warm young woman who brings joy to many, and a person who gives back and helps her school and community.  She had all of these qualities as a seventh grader in my Student Council, and she is becoming more involved and helping more and more people as she grows and works hard at all that she does.  I am so proud of Nina, and I feel better that I am helping in a small way to alleviate some of the suffering of these people afflicted by Hurricane Sandy. If anyone would also like to contribute to Nina’s project, please get in touch with me, and I will pass on Nina’s contact information to you.  She is welcoming additional donations, and I support her project and want it to be a great success.

 

There are many other ways to help.  My friend Stan suggested on his most recent blog post donating through Music for Relief.  The Tamaqua Salvation Army did a fantastic job of helping people in Schuylkill and Carbon County in so many ways over the past week.  Andy Leibenguth and others delivered hot meals to residents without power.  WNEP News did a feature on their great service.

 

While this storm has shaken so many of us, it has also brought people together.  I am moved by the acts of kindness and compassion that continue to make life better and restore hope for those who were affected by this storm.

On the Move

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It’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve been on the move.  My parents are moving to a new house, and I’ve been spending much of my time helping my parents – packing things in boxes, cleaning, and deciding which things to give away.  I will be working on this project with my parents for several more months.  I’ll admit that it has not been easy to go through my belongings and my parents’ belongings.  A lot of difficult decisions have had to be made.   One thing I’m finding as I’m immersed in this work is how freeing it is to downsize, simplify, and give things away to people who can use them.  In the process of doing this, I’m finding things I didn’t know I had, learning about family heirlooms, and I am also growing and learning lessons.  In letting go, I’m finding it easier to lift my voice to new heights, and there is a clarity that is coming from this process of discovery.