Category Archives: friends

One hug away

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one free hug

Today marks the last day of Mental Illness Awareness Week (October 5-11, 2014.)  Today is also two months from the date of Robin Williams’ death, following his depression and suicide.  I wrote this spoken-word poem in August 2014 as part of my reflection after learning of Robin Williams’ journey.

 

I am one sigh away from hopeless.

One tear away from despair,

One bead of sweat away from exhaustion,

One track away from derailment,

One choice away from regret.

 

I am one pop-up ad away from a virus,

One dollar sign away from bankruptcy,

One digit away from a wrong number,

One dropped ball away from defeat.

 

I am one accusation away from indictment,

One degree away from the flames,

One vote away from impeachment,

One storm away from disaster.

 

My voice is growing louder;  my words are getting faster.

 

I am one heartbeat away from tachycardia,

One shock away from electrocution,

One mistake away from failure,

One bell toll away from the funeral.

 

I am one doubt away from a lost cause,

One signature away from resignation,

One sin away from the devil,

One broken bone away from a body cast,

One click away from ‘game over.’

 

I am running on fumes.

I am one key turn away from combustion,

One dress size away from losing my dignity,

One pulse away from abortion,

One hug away from good-bye.

 

I am one tragedy away from recognizing that we are all vulnerable, and no one is immune.

 

You today, me tomorrow,

Me today, you tomorrow.

Me, You, You, Me.

Today, Tomorrow, Now.

 

On the border straddling peace and chaos.

One foot planted on the balance beam.

It’s that close of a call.

 

We are all one rabbit pull away from the magic show.

Pull, pull, make him appear.

One hop away from sticking our landing.

My feet are shaking.

Look up, child.  Catapult.

Accept that we stand on moving ground.

 

We are one vow away from marriage,

One paint stroke away from mastery,

One dime away from a dollar,

One contraction away from birth,

One detour away from an amazing destination.

 

We are all one sunbeam away from a rainbow,

One sensation away from ecstasy,

One prayer away from salvation,

One Hallelujah away from Heaven,

One leap of faith away from enlightenment.

 

When you are one x away from y,

things can go either way.

It can happen to you, to me, to them, to us.

Listen.  Look around.  Practice gratitude.  Practice love.

 

Anxiety, depression, people.

It’s about people.  It’s about heart.

You are not alone.  I see in.

 

He was one laugh away from you and me.

He was one smile away from healing.

And we are too.

 

Please don’t judge what you haven’t experienced.

It’s no more foreign than French fries and French kisses.

We are all one heartfelt hug away from each other.

There are only two things you need to say,

“You matter,” and “I care.”

 

Copyright © 2014 by Susan M. Featro, Voice Lifted.  All Rights Reserved.

Recommitment to Love

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15.August.2014

 

To the man I witnessed on my walk, screaming at his dog and picking him up by his neck in anger after the dog had run ahead of him out the door…

 

It really bothered me when I witnessed you yell in such anger at your pet and then chase after him and pick him up by his neck.  As I took a walk yesterday with my friend, I was walking with a heavy heart.  I had just spent some quiet time with my cat Song who only has a short time left with my family.  She has an oral tumor.  I had just cleaned out the clear drainage from her eye that moistened her nose bridge & turned to God with a tear in my eye and prayed that Song would not suffer and that we would make the decisions that were best for her.  I had just knelt down to pet Song and felt barely able to stand up again, as my whole body felt shaky in allowing myself to feel the fear about what comes next.  I noticed I was barely breathing as I stood face to face with the frailty and fragility of life.

 

I tell you this not to make you sad.  I tell you this to urge you to celebrate.  Celebrate yourself, and celebrate your dog.  Celebrate your time together.  Celebrate even his misbehaviors, because they are signs of life.  When he runs excitedly out the door, forgetting that he’s supposed to wait for you, overcome by the excitement of a beautiful, sunny day, fresh air, and people passing by, call him back and run after him with love in your heart, and then hug him.  Hug him, and let him know you care.  Let him know your life is better, because he’s with you.  Let him know you’ll be with him until the end and will cradle his head as he takes his last breaths, remembering the times you played together and holding close to your heart that still frame of his furry face, reconnecting with that sweet feeling of walking in the door and knowing someone missed you and could not contain his excitement that you were home again.

 

I am not a judgmental person.  I do not wish to criticize your ability to parent your dog, and I do not intend to chastise you as a person.  I freely and willingly admit that I have been overwhelmed by life at many points, frustrated when others didn’t listen to me, tired of stuff going wrong again and again.  I have screamed, said things I didn’t mean, and have hurt people whom I care about.  I’ve been at my wit’s end.  I’ve made choices that have been rooted in fear and resentment.  I have approached tender hearts with violent words that raged and wounded.  I’ve been broken and breathless after life threw incredible twists my way.  And eventually, I returned to love.  Thankfully, I returned to love.

 

My letter here is an invitation and a reminder.  Please take some time today and look in the eyes of those you love – humans and pets.  Simply and quietly say, “I love you.”  Say anything else that’s on your heart.  Breathe together.  Enjoy the sensations as you stroke your lover’s skin or pet your best friend’s fur, and know this moment is a gift that will not always be available to you.  Vow to hug more often.  Slow down and make time for walks outside and playful exchanges.  Remember to laugh at silly things.  Appreciate.  Wag more and bark less.  Purr more and hiss less.  Forgive.  Allow for mistakes – on others’ part and on your part.  And if you are a person who prays, please offer up a prayer for my cat Song and for me and for every pet who is facing health challenges and approaches his or her final days.  Send some positive energy out to those pet parents who are taking their dogs for that final walk and loading their cats into a carrier to get that lethal injection because the suffering has grown too unbearable and there is no cure.  And I will think of you in a wave of compassion and bless you and your dog.  Thank you for reading this, and thank you for inspiring my reflection and my recommitment to love across the board.

 

Copyright © 2014 by Susan M. Featro, Voice Lifted.  All Rights Reserved.

Song

Brave

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While pop music is definitely not what I prefer listening to, a friend recently introduced me to the song “Brave” by Sara Bareilles, and I must admit that I kind of like the song.  The melody and rhythms are pretty catchy, and the lyrics to this song are powerful.

 

The song begins by pointing to the power of words.  It then continues to encourage listeners to be brave by speaking out and not holding back on what we truly want to say.  In the music video, there are many scenes of people of all ages and backgrounds dancing freely in public places.

 

I believe that this message of allowing our authentic selves to be heard and seen is important for all of us.  It’s not just teenagers who shy away from being themselves in order to fit in.  I believe that it is a societal tragedy that the majority of people restrain themselves from free expression in speech and movement and action, because they have become better at listening to others than listening to themselves.

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When I teach young children, I see how freely they sing, dance, and tell ther stories.  I see how they don’t question how others are going to judge them before they assert themselves into the world.  As they get older, they hear those first words of feedback.  Praise by parents and teachers, correction by adults, or ridicule by peers then influence how they behave in the future.  There is now a combination of voices that guide them as they make choices and interact with others.

 

Sadly it is easy to lose touch with one’s own voice and to squelch one’s impulse to dance and play and live fully.  It takes a lot of courage to say what we want to say and to live our lives from the inside out.  I am lucky to belong to a wonderful tribe of friends who are committed to being brave and who support each other in this, even when it is most challenging.  We know each other and give each other a hard time if we know that one of us is shrinking and “going along with” rather than being brave and speaking and acting with integrity, passion, and conviction.

 

So often, the path of least resistance is to follow along the same path as others, to say what we think others want us to say, to do what we think others expect of us.  Instead, being brave is choosing to sing our own songs, dance our own dances, and tell our own stories.  Judy Garland urged, “Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else.”  In order to do that, we must be brave.

Life Lessons

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tumor-pituitary

 

A recent health scare has taught me some very important life lessons.  After having routine lab work done in April, I got the report that one of my hormone levels – Prolactin – was elevated.  My doctor recommended that I see an endocrinologist, but since I couldn’t get an appointment for several months with an endocrinologist, I asked the doctor if I should have a contrast MRI of the brain/pituitary gland done, just to make sure that there were no abnormalities that could be causing the elevated Prolactin level.  After the MRI, I got a phone call…not from one of the doctor’s office secretaries, but from the doctor herself:  the MRI showed a pituitary tumor.

 

After this diagnosis, I did even more research (on reputable medical websites) on elevated Prolactin levels and pituitary tumors.  The more research I did, the more I learned and understood about this condition…and the more scared I got.  I read about medications that had very serious side effects and saw statistics showing that almost everyone who took these medications experienced these side effects.  I read on multiple websites that the most common course of action was surgery.  I became horrified when I saw that the surgery is typically done transsphenoidally (going through the nose and the sphenoid bone.)  Since the nasal cavity is a resonance chamber for the singing voice, I felt that this was the worst possible thing that could happen to me;  I would have much preferred that they just cut open my head.  In  the meantime, I saw an endocrinologist and an ophthalmologist.  The reason I was referred to an ophthalmologist is that sometimes these tumors can press on the optic nerve at the optic chiasm affecting peripheral vision, but this isn’t the case for me.

 

Because of my concerns with my singing voice, I went to see a team of doctors at Johns Hopkins Pituitary Center in Baltimore, Maryland.  They were able to get me in for an appointment last Thursday, and that appointment brought me good news.  The doctors are recommending that this tumor be monitored through serial MRIs.  I will have repeat blood work in 6 months and a repeat contrast MRI after that.  Then, they will see if the tumor has grown over time, stayed the same size, or has shrunk.  At this time, they do not feel that medication or surgery is necessary…since I have not been experiencing any symptoms.

 

This was the best possible outcome I could have hoped for.  While I will need to follow up and monitor this condition, I am not looking at surgery or medication right now…and possibly will never need to do anything to treat it.

 

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I do want to take away from this the life lessons that are mine to learn.  A health scare of any kind is always a reminder to be thankful for one’s good health.  This also has reminded me that everyone has challenging times and things to deal with that are very scary, sad, and painful…so I hold that in my heart as I am interacting with people, whether it is a student of mine, a parent of a student, my friends, a cashier at a business, someone whom I meet while waiting in line at the post office, anyone…  I am reminded of the quote that was attributed to Plato, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

 

I know that another lesson for me in this is to let go and release my grip on “how things should be.”  We can sometimes get so fixated on there being only one possible outcome…one possible way for things to go that would be “the right way.”  But that is not the case…and so often, there is something better in store for us.  I knew, as I was going through this, that I would have to get to a place in which I was going to accept and be okay with whatever the outcome was.  If I was going to need surgery, then I’d need to believe that this was happening because maybe my body needed a time to slow down and step away from it all, and this would be a time to take good care of myself.   If surgery or medication would affect my singing voice, I’d have to accept that there was some other way that I was to share of myself with others and contribute to the world.  And this was a reminder that I am not entitled to anything & that nothing is a guarantee…I’m not entitled to one more day with the voice I have;  I’m not guaranteed one more day on the planet.  I can hope for more days to lift my voice in song and more time to do the things I love, but none of it is guaranteed.  This has reminded me to see it all as a gift and has allowed me to be so grateful and so amazed by the tremendous gifts I’ve been given and continue to get.

 

It took me a while to process all of this & feel my feelings & come to peace.  I did get to that place, and I think that was a major reason that the Universe orchestrated this challenge for me.  Even though it wasn’t in a pleasant form, it was something that I had to experience in order to grow.  There are so many other lessons to take away from it all.  I also know this was an opportunity to practice advocating for myself and my health and remembering that I know my body best.  Finally, this experience showed me that there are so many people who care about me and that I have wonderful friends who are willing to listen and to share of their experiences with me in a beautiful and authentic way.  If I never had this experience, I wouldn’t have had these same conversations…wouldn’t have become so vulnerable in my sharing and wouldn’t have heard the supportive words from friends & experienced such wonderful connections.

 

So I do believe this happened for a reason, and I’m grateful for the life lessons I’ve learned and am still learning from it.  Of course, the future with this tumor is uncertain. At any time in the future, I could notice symptoms.  I could have my repeat blood work and repeat MRI and get a bad report.  But on the other hand, I could end up having this for the rest of my life and have no problems at all from it…it very well could even shrink.  And that is life: never knowing what is coming next, so therefore, being in the present moment and engaging wholeheartedly with the life that is right in front of you.

 

fall apart quote picture

In the wake of Hurricane Sandy

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Hurricane Sandy took us for a wild ride last week.  Living in east-central Pennsylvania, I would not have expected to ever experience the wrath of such a hurricane.  There are still people within an hour of me waiting for their electricity to be restored…6 days later.  The amount of devastation in New York and New Jersey is unbelievable.

 

I have found myself unsettled since Sandy blew through.  Even though my power was restored in 24 hours and damage to my home and my parents’ property was minimal, I’ve just been shaken by it all and almost can’t bear to see the videoclips and photos and to hear the stories that are being shared on the tv news and on the internet.

 

Yesterday, I found out about a former student of mine who is organizing a project to help those in Rockaway, NY who have lost everything in this storm.  This student, now in high school, was an active member of the Pleasant Valley Intermediate School Student Council when I advised and led this group in my tenure as a teacher in Pleasant Valley.  Nina is collecting canned goods, clothing, blankets, batteries, coats, toys, and more — to help those who need help the most.  I spent time last night getting things together to donate.  As my parents have recently moved to a new house, we’ve been doing a lot of cleaning around here over the past several months, and this is a great opportunity for us to let go of things we no longer need and to pass them on to people who could really benefit from them.  I am inspired by Nina’s continued commitment to leadership and helping the community, and I am so happy to see her initiating this project.  She is a high school student who excels academically, a friendly and warm young woman who brings joy to many, and a person who gives back and helps her school and community.  She had all of these qualities as a seventh grader in my Student Council, and she is becoming more involved and helping more and more people as she grows and works hard at all that she does.  I am so proud of Nina, and I feel better that I am helping in a small way to alleviate some of the suffering of these people afflicted by Hurricane Sandy. If anyone would also like to contribute to Nina’s project, please get in touch with me, and I will pass on Nina’s contact information to you.  She is welcoming additional donations, and I support her project and want it to be a great success.

 

There are many other ways to help.  My friend Stan suggested on his most recent blog post donating through Music for Relief.  The Tamaqua Salvation Army did a fantastic job of helping people in Schuylkill and Carbon County in so many ways over the past week.  Andy Leibenguth and others delivered hot meals to residents without power.  WNEP News did a feature on their great service.

 

While this storm has shaken so many of us, it has also brought people together.  I am moved by the acts of kindness and compassion that continue to make life better and restore hope for those who were affected by this storm.